real life

I am finally starting to feel a little bit more like Car, and a little less like a black hole.

I didn't get to go to Disneyland like I would have liked, but my friends sort of helped save my life this weekend.
A second guitar, my second family, Mario and all his carts, a bottle of wine, and a lady that lives half way across the country but understands and accepts me completely, and doesn't mind having 2 different conversations with me, on the same subject, at the same time. They all helped too ;)

I don't believe in any part of my soul that I will be alone forever.
But I'm sure it doesn't help that I only ever fall in love with fictional characters.

[I don't want to go to jail.]
But more on that later...

3000 stamps made me feel important

I wish it didn't come to that. But I rescued the day at work yesterday by successfully finding and purchasing 3,000 75 cent stamps. That's what gave me worth.

And the whole time I was reveling in my Stamp Victory I didn't even know my mom's heart and kidneys were failing her.

I wish I could do more than be scared and text all my friends, pleading with them for positive thoughts and prayers. [the response has been pretty awesome, btw]
And I wish that I could stop hating how lonley I am during all of this, when that is probably the most selfish feeling I could have right now.
I wish I didn't have to care about ordering food, or printing letters, or keeping track of ticket sales today. I just wish I was sleeping.

People have been through harder things than what I am going through, right? I wish that I could just get a hug, and not be let go of until I choose to.

And I really, really wish that whoever is wearing high heels today would take them the heck off, because that sound makes me so tense when I'm at work, and I just don't feeling like dealing with it today.

As long as there are animal crackers I'm cool with the end of the world.

Yesterday there was this story about how some 10 year old wonder boy figured out that an asteroid was going to hit earth in 2039 [or 2029 depending on what news story you read]. It was said that it's impact would cause tidal waves that would wipe out every coast, and a huge "dust" cloud that would darken the entire planet's sky.
Pretty intense stuff.
So naturally I freaked out a little and starting comparing real life to Armageddon [not the event, the movie] and I figure the key elements of Armageddon were the unstoppable team of Bruce Willis & Ben Afflec, Aerosmith songs, and animal crackers.
Not bad for the end of the world I suppose. Except I would want to trade out Bruce & Ben for Geroge Clooney and John Krazinski. That way the end of the world would also be hott and funny. And Leatherheads I guess. Hmm...didn't realize I did that.

But it turns out the whole story isn't true and NASA assures us that the asteroid is never going to get close enough to earth to hit it. So there goes my perfect [world] ending. Thanks NASA.

I get free lunch at work today. I'm pretty stoked on that since it will be a break from the usual free spirit-breakings that they give me.

this guy.

Downtrodden is my word of the day.

I have no motivation at work, seeing as nothing I do that actually relates to my work is essential to how they judge my performance.

Anyway, it's cloudy again today. Which isn't really a bad thing or a good thing for me. I don't mind the clouds, and I don't miss the sun cause I know it will be back really soon seeing as this is California and all. Speaking of the grand 'ol CA [I don't think anyone really calls it that] I am so glad to be back. Everyday I am glader and glader. Gladder? I guess I shouldn't be too concerned with the spelling as most people will tell me it's not a real word anyway. [P.S. If you can say something doesn't that make it a word? The wheel wasn't a wheel before people started using it as one...I'm just sayin] I know I had to leave to learn to appreciate it, but I really do think I will end up here in SoCal. It's my home. It's where I have family and childhood memories and life-long friends, and all that jazz. But it's not like a little hometown town either...it's freaking Southern California! Full of freaks and free thinking and big cities and beaches and endless supplies of people and excitement! I sound like I'm trying to sell it now. I'm not. If you don't want to be here, that's cool. But I love it, sucky ass job and all. And I just wanted to express my complete content with being back. It's been about 6 months, and aside from a mere 40 hours a week I am stuck in the looney bin, they have been the best 6 months yet. That's such a happy thought. If I wanted to go to Neverland right now I would be flying. What am I talking about...I always want to go to Neverland. I guess I'm still missing the pixie dust. Damn.

I tried to get my dog to go to work for me today. She didn't go for it. Damn again.

I feel like this is going to be Car's Fantastic Year of Weekends! At least that's what I'm going to refer to 2008 as now. How fabulous for me. I've never labeled a year of my life before...

A small, intimate gathering of close friends

That seemed to be the theme this weekend, in many different ways. Whether it be in living rooms, or a mask someone put on a pretty high school age based house "tiki" party, or what the night actually ended up being, it was an overall looming idea from April 11- 13th.

All I can really conclude right now is that my weekend was fantastic in many ways. It kicked off with a brilliant junior high production of Seussical the Musical. Oh, and for the record, pretty much no junior high production is ever truly brilliant. Sarcasm is my friend. And in this case brilliant is a mask for painful and scattered. [Thank God the 2nd act was only 20 minutes long] Anyway, the weekend was bound to be uphill from there, and what a high climb it was! I have concluded I need to take more pictures to document my life, but I always forget that I have a camera in my purse, so my conclusion may be pointless.

I love when you get to see unexpected people, but I kinda hate when it's someone you were purposely not expecting see. Kinda threw me off I guess. I miss holding hands.

I'm so sad it's Monday again. I hate work, I need to be at Disneyland, and I miss the weekend already. Help.

The sound of high heels is making me really uptight.

If you are ever sad, down, and/or out I will do this for you:

Because I love my friends.

And also, I am an MS Paint Genius.

Marriage

Give me a break already.

Also: the Ice Cream Bar is shaping up nicely...

Don't steal our ideas though. We will sue. Also, we are in the Pirate-Ninja Alliance, so you don't want to mess with us. And believe me, you don't want it to come to that either.

And remember kids, there's no sleeping in the Lounge!

In Silence.

So I'm back at work today. [boo]
I really didn't have a choice. I feel so guilty sitting at home all day, watching TV, laughing at Ellen, sighing at Oprah, waiting for the day to pass. Even if I am sick, it just feels wrong to me.
So here I am. Trying to feel as human-like as possible.
I still have no voice though. It ran away 1/2 way through Saturday and never returned. So I sort of feel like Ariel. Yes, I most definitely am referring to The Little Mermaid. Remember when she had no voice? It's not much different than that.
Except of course I don't have an evil sea witch trying to capture my father, I'm not chasing the love of my life, I do not talk to animals, I am scared to death of the sea [let alone living in it], Ariel doesn't have to go to work, I can't sing even when I do have my voice, my faithful sidekick is not a fish, I'm not only going to have legs for only 3 days, and most notably, I am not a mermaid.
Other than that....it's the same deal.

I also was in a minor car crash today, one of which I wish not to discuss any further, but I thought necessary to bring up because it gave me the shakes, made me say profanities over and over again, and was not the ideal way to start a day. Plus, my neck may be starting to hurt which will be an inconvenience as well.

Other than the things I have just noted here I am pretty stoked on life again. And no, that was not sarcastic. I know when someone such as I am sarcastic so often it becomes hard to tell, haha.
But I really am!

I went to Disneyland on Saturday with my long lost friend Alex. I didn't even realize how much I missed him until I was with him again. Plus, we were at Disneyland, the Happiest Place on Earth, so it was bound to be a good day. And I met Goofy. What else could you ask for?

I feel there is more to write, but I just can't concentrate right now. Maybe it's the sickness or the tiredness or the minor concussion I got from the minor accident I was in earlier...I guess I'll try to work on some work stuff. Maybe later my thoughts will organize themselves and I'll have more interesting things to say. Or I'll work on The DSAA....I am in the middle of a Series.

15 more minutes...

I cannot make it to Bamboozle Left this weekend, but I will be going to Disneyland. :)

I forgot to take my lip stud out at work today and now I only have 15 minutes left of work, and I just realized it now. Oops.

I'm refusing to be sick. My throat can hurt, and my body can cough, and my head can threated me with a headache, but I will not acknowledge it. (that's a hard word to spell)
I just plain refuse.

Here's to hoping the weekend is good. I know it's going to be better than the next 15 minutes at least... oh! 12 now....

you dont really care for music, do ya

I've never not had their support before. Maybe I don't deserve it anymore. Maybe I'm not to be believed in.
I don't know if I think that's the truth, but it's the easiest thing to believe. The easiest thing to feel.
And honestly, I'm sick of the feelings that take work to maintain. I can't help if I have to search a little harder than others. I can't help if what I want is not as tangible as numbers, or formulas, or degrees.
I've never had them tell me, even in a roudabout way, to give up. Even though it would really be hard work towards a goal, it would feel like giving up on something I truly believe in.

I fear having a normal life.

All I want to do is prove that passion is enough. But I don't think I'm enough to prove it.

Who the hell decided that degrees and books and numbers and papers determine how passionate you are about something? Since when do looks reflect someone's performance? When did it start being more important to go by the book than by your heart? Who forgot that we are not all the same? And what the eff do you do when you are backed into a corner by no possibilities but the ones that make you feel the least like you?
Where do you go?

Life is winning in this one kids.

I feel discouraged. And I feel somewhat alone, meaning I have some things on the inside to fix apparently.

Le sigh. When did it all get this hard?

Remember when I was a bird and you were a map?

I need someone to tell me what to do. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to consider all my options, and what I would be gaining or leaving behind with each of them. I'm done with that. I want to just decide and not have to think. When I think I just end up thinking in circles, and I get nowhere, and it drives me crazy. Someone, please, when it comes to this decision, just tell me what the heck to do.

So work should be fun today. My friend and I both got an email from our manager asking us for (private) meetings this afternnon to discuss some employee policy changes. This becomes more of a big deal when you know that we both get "talked to" about things we do wrong all the time. Not tasks at work...no, personal things we do wrong. Anyway, my friend inquired as to whether or not she was in trouble and my manager informed her that she wasn't, every employee had to be notified of the changes and my manager just preferred to do them individually. Which is odd because the other girl in our department didn't get any email about any private meeting about any sort of employee policy changes. Needless to say we are not thrilled, we are actually rather downtroden due to the fact our work seems to be attempting to break our spirits. Well so far:
Work: 18 (approx.)
Us: 0

I'm so over it, but I have no place else to go.

This is already a pretty sucky day. And I was in a good mood this morning and everything...

Morning Thoughts

I hate when people walk behind my desk at work. This is pretty unfortunate as I sit with my back to one of the main employee entrances, and 2 walkways through my department. But it just drives me crazy all day with the step, step, step, step, step, step, step...behind my back. Really puts me on edge sometimes. Like, I just want to turn around and yell "stop walking behind me!". Like the people I work with are just walking by, trying to make me attempt to pull all my hair out. I almost expect to look in the reflection of my computer monitor one day and see a line of them pretending to sail by in a canoe, or walk downstairs or something...just so their presence behind me is felt.

le ugh.

It's April. Right this very moment. In 2008. Wowie.

I made my dog, Josie, hang out with me last night. She was pretty stoked about it.

Clearly.

My friend Amanda thinks the world is going to end soon. I don't blame her. She just recently became one of my very close friends, even though we live states apart. Weird how that happens, huh? Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Absinthe does too for that matter...but that's a whole different line of discussion.



My friends always have people falling in love with them. All over the place, all the time. I never ever do. It's like this huge effort just to get attention for me. Which is weird. I don't think I'm ugly or boring so I don't get it. Not that I'm stressed about it...it just doesn't add up I guess.



I making plans again. You know, for life. Life plans. Pretty excited, but surprisingly scared as well. It would require another huge change for me. Like I haven't changed my whole life a thousand times already. Actually I try to experience at least one thing a day that does change my whole life. And if I talk to you, you will probably hear about it. "Yeah, (blank) just changed my whole life!" is what I will say to you. But really, these new life plans would change almost everything, again. Perhaps I should just get through this year though, before I start worrying about the next. Perhaps...



Things have changed for me. But that's ok. I feel the same.

They all came back like we knew they would

[gotta get your fix down in Hollywood]



My Hollywood reunion trip this weekend was a blast. Between $5 wine, unexpected walls, backalogers, frontalogers, Ruiess, Lady Cigarettes, Sizzlers, Strangers, showcases, buses, trains, 5 mile walks, pizza on the sidewalk, the "9 inch Club" and the most glorious trifecta destiny ever created....this weekend was no where near disappointing.



Unfortunately I did not document my adventures very well in photo form. Something that was immediately regretted.



The only moment that got documented at all was when Amber became the Canadian Logger named Ruiess (pronounced Roo-ee-s).
But it was a pretty darn good moment :)









Don't worry though, next time we have already decided to try harder.



I forgot how much I missed Hollywood. I guess it's cause I never really did before.

The internet is boring today and I'm not sarcastic at all.

I hope that doesn't reflect how the rest of the day will be. Not that I'm all into symbolism or anything, but sometimes that's how it seems to me. Ok, I don't want it to sound like I check the internet every morning to see what kind of day I'm going to have.....cause I don't.
I look at the internet every morning to keep from doing the boring things that I know I will eventually have to do anyway beore 4:30 rolls around.

I had to take out my lip stud for work today. Apparently a big clear ball, that doesnt even look clear at all, is more conservative looking than a tiny (and might I add pretty) diamond. Cause, you know, if some big donor sees me with a little diamond stud in my lip they may get offended and not want to donate $ to the animals anymore. I totally understand that logic. I will probably do a better job without my lip stud as well. I won't spend hours on the inter-web wandering aimlessly for something more amusing than entering information into a database. Yes, without the lip stud I will be more focused, and motivated, and less likely to talk to my co-workers about un-work-related things. I will probably finish my tasks twice as fast, and think of new and innovative ways to help my company. Without any facial piercings I will be able to become employee of the month probably! You know what that means: reserved parking space in the back of the building! That's right....VIP treatment baby. I'm so glad someone complained to my manager about my piercing so that I could present myself in an unoffensive manner to the public, and therefore bring in more $ to help the animals, save lives, and concentrate harder on my work. I'm just thrilled that by me removing a tiny little diamond from my lower lip, more animals will have homes tonight.

Oh wait, what? I'm on the internet right now?! My lip stud is out and I'm still procrastinating? Wait, all the donors are still giving the same amount of $, and the same exact amount of work is getting done? The clear stud now residing in my lip didn't help more puppies get adopted?

How very odd.

I'm really shocked that the removal of facial piercings didn't improve the quality of work.

Really. I am.

Please stop speaking

So I don't have to listen to you talk

Grande iced coffe with sugar free caramel

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to be happy at any job that isn't Magnolia.

I mean, almost every job I start I am really excited about. It's always related to a "passion" of mine, and I think that maybe it will satisfy me for a longer period of time than the last job I had.

Everytime, I am wrong.


le sigh.

I suppose it's just a waiting game then. Wait for the weekends to finally be free, wait for the vacations to have things to be excited about, wait until 4:30 everyday when you can look how you want and not have to worry about talking to your friends. Wait until the day you can work for yourself, and do what you truly are passionate about. Wait, wait, wait. (Hey, that's a song by The Format!)





I got really addicted to Starbucks again. Ever since Coffee Bean decided to discontinue the Pecan flavor they had, Starbizzle won me back. Grande iced coffe with sugar free caramel and room for cream pleeeeeeease. It's ok too, cause it only has 12 calories. Sometimes, life is good, sip by sip.




(Picture circa 2006, Christmastime in Chicago....aka kinda old haha)





The Hills came back on last night. I don't care what anyone says, I love that show. If it's scripted, I love the writers, if they are all faking it, I love fakers. Nothing is better than sitting in your friends' living room and rooting for the rich people to mess up again. Cause you know they will. Scripted or not, when Lauren ruins her ball gown an hour before the debutaunt ball in Paris, it's bothing but entertainment. They just dangle The Happy in front of her, and then snap it back. Like clockwork. Dangle....and snap! Dangle.......and...snap! And it always ends with Lauren's disappointed (yet again) face. Brilliant.








If anyone happens to read this, I'm sorry it's not a very entertaining post. Just getting some thoughts out of my head.
If no one reads this then poo on you. (Sometimes I'm 12) Give it time, eventually I'll do something to make you describle. If even just a little.



P.S. I cannot get enough of this amazingly easy "add a picture to your blog" feature on blogspot. It's like an internet miracle or something!

I can hear your voice all day

But I can never do anything about it.

cavities and clown feet

I'm craving chocolate today.
This is alarming because I don't like candy at all, least of all chocolate.
I would even go as far as saying I hate chocolate.
So I'm not quite sure what that's about.

I have to get 2 cavities filled on April 3rd.
Let me just say, I'm scared to death.
I'm not afraid of the dentist at all, and when I was in highschool I did the whole braces thing. I even had to get 6 teeth pulled. So I've been through the dentist adventure. My mouth has been pulled at, had metal forced on and then metal forcibly ripped off, rubber bands, stretchers, spacers, retainers, pokes, prodes, the works.
But when I have to get a cavity filled...forget it. I'm a freaking mess.
Maybe it's the drilling that's the trick.
Maybe it's subconscious.
That's just dumb if it is though. Cause then I don't have very much control over it because your subconscious doesn't listen very well.

And here's the question...I hate candy so why do I have 2 cavities?

Oh cruel, cruel world. The irony. The horror.

Also, if I were Asian, apparently I would have clown feet.

Announcing the DSSA!

dangersofthesea.blogspot.com

No one will probably ever read it haha

Describle

Describle is a word I made up today as I was trying to write "describe" to my manager in an email.

Well, maybe I didn't make it up, but I definitely have never seen it before so when the automatic spell check popped up on my email and showed me it wanted to correct "describle" it made me silenlty giggle at myself. I feel like it would either be the name of a DJ, or even a synonymn for giggle (ie: "...it made me silently describle at myself").


I like it.


Post Script: I am really annoyed today at nothing, which in turn is making me annoyed at everything. Which also annoys me. Le ugh.

Diplozoon paradoxum

A type of worm.
The males and females meet in adolescence and become life partners by fusing themselves together.

Apart from how gross that is, it is also extraordinary that these worms are virtually the only species ever known to be completely monogomous throughout their whole relationship.

Who knew that female worms would be the first to figure out that you had to physically attach yourself in order to get the men to behave? haha

Anyway....thought of the day:
A worm can get herself a man for life during adolescence.
I'm 21 years old and I can't get a freaking boy to stick around for more than 7 months.

I'm crediting it to the fact that I never want to be fused to anyone, ever, and also my needs, wants, and deservances (its a word, shut up) are greater than a worm's.

life.

Just not all that into it today.

Blegh.

i fell for the first time falling for you

the question is....now that I have my balance in check...

how close to the edge will I get?

just enough until it stops being fun I guess.

Just enough.

P.S. I would sail with Seth Cohen pretty much anywhere.

give my a blankie, im taking a nap

Keeping up with friendships is tiring business isn't it?

I mean, I have friends that live 5 minutes away, and friends that live 5 states away, and sometimes it makes no difference.

I know that's what makes the relationships so valuable....the work. And it's not like it's "bad" work. It's just work. Cause human beings take work.

Honestly, sometimes I don't know how anyone stays my friend.
And more honestly, sometimes I feel like everyone in the world should want to be my friend.
Haha

I guess it's just nice to recognize when you have people, well friends, in your life that will love you even if you call in sick one day, instead of working. And it's nice to return the favor.

No one will read this, but boy to I love my friends. No matter how near or how far. :)

Rarely practice discern

First and foremost, it's becoming quite clear I can write whatever I want here and nobody will ever read it. That's fine, it's the internet, and I don't have a fan base (for some odd reason hehe), but now it seems as if I will just be typing to myself, rather than the regular occurances of talking to myself. And on occasion dancing with myself, naturally.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. It all comes down to the simple fact that I like the layout of this blog, and I refuse to not use it.

*Sidenote- you know the world has changed when people's decisions are based on whether or not they like the layout of a blog.

I wrote someone not too long ago that I had changed about 10,000 times since they last spoke to or saw me. It didn't hit me until I wrote it out, exactly how true that statement was. Not that I really have 10,000 features wrapped up in me, but the point was made.
On a scale of Changed to Not-So-Changed, I am definitely at Changed About 10,000 Times More Than You'd Expect.
Not really in my beliefs or morals though, so much as in my attitude towards living out those beliefs, and how I strive towards what I really want in life.
It's amazing how many times other people have to make you think you have failed before you realize that you probably can do anything you really want to.

I just thought that was interesting. The fact that I had indeed changed a lot more than I had realized in the last year. Maybe because it was just a little bit at a time. It seemed like one big Extreme Car Makeover to me though. Which is still in effect right now. The finishing touches are abound, if you will. It's not quite time to say "move that bus", but we are nearing the last stages.

I don't think I have bad judgement as the title of this blog hints at. But I do think I am more lenient in my life choices, and more risk taking. I feel like I'm actually living life now. Not to be all "life is meant to be lived, dont hold back, you only get one shot" or anything. But seriously, LIVE.

I guess all I can say is there was a point in my life where I thought I was the happiest I could ever be. Ever. And I actually was the happiest I had ever been. And it was pretty safe, and the rest of my life was shaping up to be pretty safe. It would have been full of happiness, but also really safe. Then all of it got "taken" away from me. (I say "taken" merely because it was not my decision to leave that life) And through the amazing adventure I went on after that time, I finally came out of it, almost 3 years later, actually truly happy. Back where I began (California here we come, right back where we started from...) and more happy than I ever was when I thought my happiness had peaked. I am not afraid of letting people who hurt me out of my life. I no longer fear new things, or new adventures. I make new decisions, and I know what it means to be brave, and I actually feel brave sometimes. I live and laugh and love, and I got my Disneyland pass back (I have weird priorities). Besides some small trust issues with the opposite gender (which, for all intents and purposes I am staying away from for my own sanity) I am the happiest I have ever been. But this time I know I have not peaked. Not even close. Even in this year alone I know there is so much more to do and see and be and GET. And if being a little discerning is what it takes, then please, join me in my new practice.

call me a doctor.

Sometimes I just wish I could make everyone laugh, all the time.

But I cannot be funny on command.

I just pray for enough strength to keep people happy. That's the only real gift I have for them.

life is sweet

It's just all the crappy people that make it so damn annoying sometimes.

Seriously, don't work like clockwork once in a while. If I can predict what you are going to do 7 days before you actually do it, you suck.
I put on an effing dress. I told myself not to get excited despite of putting on the dress, and I got up this morning with a knot in my stomache. Half due to excitemet, and half to nervousness that I was going to be right.
I shouldn't have to do that. I shouldn't have to bottle my excitement or not be proud of my dress wearing, or have a knot that can't decide if it's good or bad.
But crappy people....crappy people don't know how to not act in ways that make happy people erupt in these feelings.

And the worst part?
Oh, well the worst part is that, despite the few minutes of happiness these crappy people take out of my life, I have so much faith in people I care about, I will give them another chance. Because faith has made my life as wonderful as it is today, and how can I turn my back on my foundation?
For once in my life, all I pray for is to be completely and utterly WRONG.