3000 stamps made me feel important

I wish it didn't come to that. But I rescued the day at work yesterday by successfully finding and purchasing 3,000 75 cent stamps. That's what gave me worth.

And the whole time I was reveling in my Stamp Victory I didn't even know my mom's heart and kidneys were failing her.

I wish I could do more than be scared and text all my friends, pleading with them for positive thoughts and prayers. [the response has been pretty awesome, btw]
And I wish that I could stop hating how lonley I am during all of this, when that is probably the most selfish feeling I could have right now.
I wish I didn't have to care about ordering food, or printing letters, or keeping track of ticket sales today. I just wish I was sleeping.

People have been through harder things than what I am going through, right? I wish that I could just get a hug, and not be let go of until I choose to.

And I really, really wish that whoever is wearing high heels today would take them the heck off, because that sound makes me so tense when I'm at work, and I just don't feeling like dealing with it today.

As long as there are animal crackers I'm cool with the end of the world.

Yesterday there was this story about how some 10 year old wonder boy figured out that an asteroid was going to hit earth in 2039 [or 2029 depending on what news story you read]. It was said that it's impact would cause tidal waves that would wipe out every coast, and a huge "dust" cloud that would darken the entire planet's sky.
Pretty intense stuff.
So naturally I freaked out a little and starting comparing real life to Armageddon [not the event, the movie] and I figure the key elements of Armageddon were the unstoppable team of Bruce Willis & Ben Afflec, Aerosmith songs, and animal crackers.
Not bad for the end of the world I suppose. Except I would want to trade out Bruce & Ben for Geroge Clooney and John Krazinski. That way the end of the world would also be hott and funny. And Leatherheads I guess. Hmm...didn't realize I did that.

But it turns out the whole story isn't true and NASA assures us that the asteroid is never going to get close enough to earth to hit it. So there goes my perfect [world] ending. Thanks NASA.

I get free lunch at work today. I'm pretty stoked on that since it will be a break from the usual free spirit-breakings that they give me.

this guy.

Downtrodden is my word of the day.

I have no motivation at work, seeing as nothing I do that actually relates to my work is essential to how they judge my performance.

Anyway, it's cloudy again today. Which isn't really a bad thing or a good thing for me. I don't mind the clouds, and I don't miss the sun cause I know it will be back really soon seeing as this is California and all. Speaking of the grand 'ol CA [I don't think anyone really calls it that] I am so glad to be back. Everyday I am glader and glader. Gladder? I guess I shouldn't be too concerned with the spelling as most people will tell me it's not a real word anyway. [P.S. If you can say something doesn't that make it a word? The wheel wasn't a wheel before people started using it as one...I'm just sayin] I know I had to leave to learn to appreciate it, but I really do think I will end up here in SoCal. It's my home. It's where I have family and childhood memories and life-long friends, and all that jazz. But it's not like a little hometown town either...it's freaking Southern California! Full of freaks and free thinking and big cities and beaches and endless supplies of people and excitement! I sound like I'm trying to sell it now. I'm not. If you don't want to be here, that's cool. But I love it, sucky ass job and all. And I just wanted to express my complete content with being back. It's been about 6 months, and aside from a mere 40 hours a week I am stuck in the looney bin, they have been the best 6 months yet. That's such a happy thought. If I wanted to go to Neverland right now I would be flying. What am I talking about...I always want to go to Neverland. I guess I'm still missing the pixie dust. Damn.

I tried to get my dog to go to work for me today. She didn't go for it. Damn again.

I feel like this is going to be Car's Fantastic Year of Weekends! At least that's what I'm going to refer to 2008 as now. How fabulous for me. I've never labeled a year of my life before...

A small, intimate gathering of close friends

That seemed to be the theme this weekend, in many different ways. Whether it be in living rooms, or a mask someone put on a pretty high school age based house "tiki" party, or what the night actually ended up being, it was an overall looming idea from April 11- 13th.

All I can really conclude right now is that my weekend was fantastic in many ways. It kicked off with a brilliant junior high production of Seussical the Musical. Oh, and for the record, pretty much no junior high production is ever truly brilliant. Sarcasm is my friend. And in this case brilliant is a mask for painful and scattered. [Thank God the 2nd act was only 20 minutes long] Anyway, the weekend was bound to be uphill from there, and what a high climb it was! I have concluded I need to take more pictures to document my life, but I always forget that I have a camera in my purse, so my conclusion may be pointless.

I love when you get to see unexpected people, but I kinda hate when it's someone you were purposely not expecting see. Kinda threw me off I guess. I miss holding hands.

I'm so sad it's Monday again. I hate work, I need to be at Disneyland, and I miss the weekend already. Help.

The sound of high heels is making me really uptight.

If you are ever sad, down, and/or out I will do this for you:

Because I love my friends.

And also, I am an MS Paint Genius.

Marriage

Give me a break already.

Also: the Ice Cream Bar is shaping up nicely...

Don't steal our ideas though. We will sue. Also, we are in the Pirate-Ninja Alliance, so you don't want to mess with us. And believe me, you don't want it to come to that either.

And remember kids, there's no sleeping in the Lounge!

In Silence.

So I'm back at work today. [boo]
I really didn't have a choice. I feel so guilty sitting at home all day, watching TV, laughing at Ellen, sighing at Oprah, waiting for the day to pass. Even if I am sick, it just feels wrong to me.
So here I am. Trying to feel as human-like as possible.
I still have no voice though. It ran away 1/2 way through Saturday and never returned. So I sort of feel like Ariel. Yes, I most definitely am referring to The Little Mermaid. Remember when she had no voice? It's not much different than that.
Except of course I don't have an evil sea witch trying to capture my father, I'm not chasing the love of my life, I do not talk to animals, I am scared to death of the sea [let alone living in it], Ariel doesn't have to go to work, I can't sing even when I do have my voice, my faithful sidekick is not a fish, I'm not only going to have legs for only 3 days, and most notably, I am not a mermaid.
Other than that....it's the same deal.

I also was in a minor car crash today, one of which I wish not to discuss any further, but I thought necessary to bring up because it gave me the shakes, made me say profanities over and over again, and was not the ideal way to start a day. Plus, my neck may be starting to hurt which will be an inconvenience as well.

Other than the things I have just noted here I am pretty stoked on life again. And no, that was not sarcastic. I know when someone such as I am sarcastic so often it becomes hard to tell, haha.
But I really am!

I went to Disneyland on Saturday with my long lost friend Alex. I didn't even realize how much I missed him until I was with him again. Plus, we were at Disneyland, the Happiest Place on Earth, so it was bound to be a good day. And I met Goofy. What else could you ask for?

I feel there is more to write, but I just can't concentrate right now. Maybe it's the sickness or the tiredness or the minor concussion I got from the minor accident I was in earlier...I guess I'll try to work on some work stuff. Maybe later my thoughts will organize themselves and I'll have more interesting things to say. Or I'll work on The DSAA....I am in the middle of a Series.

15 more minutes...

I cannot make it to Bamboozle Left this weekend, but I will be going to Disneyland. :)

I forgot to take my lip stud out at work today and now I only have 15 minutes left of work, and I just realized it now. Oops.

I'm refusing to be sick. My throat can hurt, and my body can cough, and my head can threated me with a headache, but I will not acknowledge it. (that's a hard word to spell)
I just plain refuse.

Here's to hoping the weekend is good. I know it's going to be better than the next 15 minutes at least... oh! 12 now....

you dont really care for music, do ya

I've never not had their support before. Maybe I don't deserve it anymore. Maybe I'm not to be believed in.
I don't know if I think that's the truth, but it's the easiest thing to believe. The easiest thing to feel.
And honestly, I'm sick of the feelings that take work to maintain. I can't help if I have to search a little harder than others. I can't help if what I want is not as tangible as numbers, or formulas, or degrees.
I've never had them tell me, even in a roudabout way, to give up. Even though it would really be hard work towards a goal, it would feel like giving up on something I truly believe in.

I fear having a normal life.

All I want to do is prove that passion is enough. But I don't think I'm enough to prove it.

Who the hell decided that degrees and books and numbers and papers determine how passionate you are about something? Since when do looks reflect someone's performance? When did it start being more important to go by the book than by your heart? Who forgot that we are not all the same? And what the eff do you do when you are backed into a corner by no possibilities but the ones that make you feel the least like you?
Where do you go?

Life is winning in this one kids.

I feel discouraged. And I feel somewhat alone, meaning I have some things on the inside to fix apparently.

Le sigh. When did it all get this hard?

Remember when I was a bird and you were a map?

I need someone to tell me what to do. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to consider all my options, and what I would be gaining or leaving behind with each of them. I'm done with that. I want to just decide and not have to think. When I think I just end up thinking in circles, and I get nowhere, and it drives me crazy. Someone, please, when it comes to this decision, just tell me what the heck to do.

So work should be fun today. My friend and I both got an email from our manager asking us for (private) meetings this afternnon to discuss some employee policy changes. This becomes more of a big deal when you know that we both get "talked to" about things we do wrong all the time. Not tasks at work...no, personal things we do wrong. Anyway, my friend inquired as to whether or not she was in trouble and my manager informed her that she wasn't, every employee had to be notified of the changes and my manager just preferred to do them individually. Which is odd because the other girl in our department didn't get any email about any private meeting about any sort of employee policy changes. Needless to say we are not thrilled, we are actually rather downtroden due to the fact our work seems to be attempting to break our spirits. Well so far:
Work: 18 (approx.)
Us: 0

I'm so over it, but I have no place else to go.

This is already a pretty sucky day. And I was in a good mood this morning and everything...

Morning Thoughts

I hate when people walk behind my desk at work. This is pretty unfortunate as I sit with my back to one of the main employee entrances, and 2 walkways through my department. But it just drives me crazy all day with the step, step, step, step, step, step, step...behind my back. Really puts me on edge sometimes. Like, I just want to turn around and yell "stop walking behind me!". Like the people I work with are just walking by, trying to make me attempt to pull all my hair out. I almost expect to look in the reflection of my computer monitor one day and see a line of them pretending to sail by in a canoe, or walk downstairs or something...just so their presence behind me is felt.

le ugh.

It's April. Right this very moment. In 2008. Wowie.

I made my dog, Josie, hang out with me last night. She was pretty stoked about it.

Clearly.

My friend Amanda thinks the world is going to end soon. I don't blame her. She just recently became one of my very close friends, even though we live states apart. Weird how that happens, huh? Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Absinthe does too for that matter...but that's a whole different line of discussion.



My friends always have people falling in love with them. All over the place, all the time. I never ever do. It's like this huge effort just to get attention for me. Which is weird. I don't think I'm ugly or boring so I don't get it. Not that I'm stressed about it...it just doesn't add up I guess.



I making plans again. You know, for life. Life plans. Pretty excited, but surprisingly scared as well. It would require another huge change for me. Like I haven't changed my whole life a thousand times already. Actually I try to experience at least one thing a day that does change my whole life. And if I talk to you, you will probably hear about it. "Yeah, (blank) just changed my whole life!" is what I will say to you. But really, these new life plans would change almost everything, again. Perhaps I should just get through this year though, before I start worrying about the next. Perhaps...



Things have changed for me. But that's ok. I feel the same.