I AM

not enough.
too much.

going going going
trying to get gone...

reading and re-reading.
writing and un-writing.

unconnecting so that I can reconnect.

saved by those [mostly just One]
who have died
and trying turn their stories into life.

less than
most of the time

better than before at keeping my head up.

so unsure
but excellent at acting.

a comedy in many acts.

sick of the grass on the other side.

me.
me me me.

enough?

trying.

real life

I am finally starting to feel a little bit more like Car, and a little less like a black hole.

I didn't get to go to Disneyland like I would have liked, but my friends sort of helped save my life this weekend.
A second guitar, my second family, Mario and all his carts, a bottle of wine, and a lady that lives half way across the country but understands and accepts me completely, and doesn't mind having 2 different conversations with me, on the same subject, at the same time. They all helped too ;)

I don't believe in any part of my soul that I will be alone forever.
But I'm sure it doesn't help that I only ever fall in love with fictional characters.

[I don't want to go to jail.]
But more on that later...

3000 stamps made me feel important

I wish it didn't come to that. But I rescued the day at work yesterday by successfully finding and purchasing 3,000 75 cent stamps. That's what gave me worth.

And the whole time I was reveling in my Stamp Victory I didn't even know my mom's heart and kidneys were failing her.

I wish I could do more than be scared and text all my friends, pleading with them for positive thoughts and prayers. [the response has been pretty awesome, btw]
And I wish that I could stop hating how lonley I am during all of this, when that is probably the most selfish feeling I could have right now.
I wish I didn't have to care about ordering food, or printing letters, or keeping track of ticket sales today. I just wish I was sleeping.

People have been through harder things than what I am going through, right? I wish that I could just get a hug, and not be let go of until I choose to.

And I really, really wish that whoever is wearing high heels today would take them the heck off, because that sound makes me so tense when I'm at work, and I just don't feeling like dealing with it today.

As long as there are animal crackers I'm cool with the end of the world.

Yesterday there was this story about how some 10 year old wonder boy figured out that an asteroid was going to hit earth in 2039 [or 2029 depending on what news story you read]. It was said that it's impact would cause tidal waves that would wipe out every coast, and a huge "dust" cloud that would darken the entire planet's sky.
Pretty intense stuff.
So naturally I freaked out a little and starting comparing real life to Armageddon [not the event, the movie] and I figure the key elements of Armageddon were the unstoppable team of Bruce Willis & Ben Afflec, Aerosmith songs, and animal crackers.
Not bad for the end of the world I suppose. Except I would want to trade out Bruce & Ben for Geroge Clooney and John Krazinski. That way the end of the world would also be hott and funny. And Leatherheads I guess. Hmm...didn't realize I did that.

But it turns out the whole story isn't true and NASA assures us that the asteroid is never going to get close enough to earth to hit it. So there goes my perfect [world] ending. Thanks NASA.

I get free lunch at work today. I'm pretty stoked on that since it will be a break from the usual free spirit-breakings that they give me.

this guy.

Downtrodden is my word of the day.

I have no motivation at work, seeing as nothing I do that actually relates to my work is essential to how they judge my performance.

Anyway, it's cloudy again today. Which isn't really a bad thing or a good thing for me. I don't mind the clouds, and I don't miss the sun cause I know it will be back really soon seeing as this is California and all. Speaking of the grand 'ol CA [I don't think anyone really calls it that] I am so glad to be back. Everyday I am glader and glader. Gladder? I guess I shouldn't be too concerned with the spelling as most people will tell me it's not a real word anyway. [P.S. If you can say something doesn't that make it a word? The wheel wasn't a wheel before people started using it as one...I'm just sayin] I know I had to leave to learn to appreciate it, but I really do think I will end up here in SoCal. It's my home. It's where I have family and childhood memories and life-long friends, and all that jazz. But it's not like a little hometown town either...it's freaking Southern California! Full of freaks and free thinking and big cities and beaches and endless supplies of people and excitement! I sound like I'm trying to sell it now. I'm not. If you don't want to be here, that's cool. But I love it, sucky ass job and all. And I just wanted to express my complete content with being back. It's been about 6 months, and aside from a mere 40 hours a week I am stuck in the looney bin, they have been the best 6 months yet. That's such a happy thought. If I wanted to go to Neverland right now I would be flying. What am I talking about...I always want to go to Neverland. I guess I'm still missing the pixie dust. Damn.

I tried to get my dog to go to work for me today. She didn't go for it. Damn again.

I feel like this is going to be Car's Fantastic Year of Weekends! At least that's what I'm going to refer to 2008 as now. How fabulous for me. I've never labeled a year of my life before...

A small, intimate gathering of close friends

That seemed to be the theme this weekend, in many different ways. Whether it be in living rooms, or a mask someone put on a pretty high school age based house "tiki" party, or what the night actually ended up being, it was an overall looming idea from April 11- 13th.

All I can really conclude right now is that my weekend was fantastic in many ways. It kicked off with a brilliant junior high production of Seussical the Musical. Oh, and for the record, pretty much no junior high production is ever truly brilliant. Sarcasm is my friend. And in this case brilliant is a mask for painful and scattered. [Thank God the 2nd act was only 20 minutes long] Anyway, the weekend was bound to be uphill from there, and what a high climb it was! I have concluded I need to take more pictures to document my life, but I always forget that I have a camera in my purse, so my conclusion may be pointless.

I love when you get to see unexpected people, but I kinda hate when it's someone you were purposely not expecting see. Kinda threw me off I guess. I miss holding hands.

I'm so sad it's Monday again. I hate work, I need to be at Disneyland, and I miss the weekend already. Help.

The sound of high heels is making me really uptight.

If you are ever sad, down, and/or out I will do this for you:

Because I love my friends.

And also, I am an MS Paint Genius.